Recovery is born out of a deep need – at first it might be to pay all the bills or just get your kids back for the weekend. But behind those tangible desires sits the deepest desire of them all – to know who you are, to live a life of freedom from relentless hunger and to discover a purpose for your life that leaves you lying in bed at night so grateful and humbled that if you took your last breath in your sleep, you’d be Ok with that.
The tragedy of addiction is that we are all living on short time. As the clock ticks, so does the countdown to the universal equalizer called death. Our culture, our century and our consumerism all drive us to seek and want more, more, more – if you achieve this THEN, and only then will you be happy, fulfilled, successful, pleased with yourself, not a total loser and able to look people in the eye at your high school class reunion (which is full of weak drinks and bullshit stories about self-made men and women with big mortgages, posed social media photos. kids who superstar in ten sports in one season and bedside tables full of Xanax). What are we doing…?
There has got to be more than this… you know this Truth lives in the tiny corners of your heart and mind. Even when you are fucking up, you feel that heartbeat of more-ness, ceaslessly calling you into the vast arena of what is behind, above, around and in all of it… that constant drum calling you that you can softy hear but don’t completely understand, the thing you want but can’t seem to get to… you cry into carpets begging a distant Power to just let you get a hold of and keep it – just long enough to deliver some peace and rest. Despite all the noise in your life, it continuously calls you.
The road to recovery is not easy. It’s not for babies, slackers or half-assers. It’s work. PERIOD. It’s commitment, rearranging your day, your life, your friends and acquaintances and prioritizing a few simple actions – no matter your mood, preference or tastes. It’s quietly sitting in hot churches, sweat running down your forehead, nodding in knowing as you listen to someone articulate their feelings, actions, motives and needs that you totally get. It’s laughing at follies from which people should not have survived to tell the tale. It’s affirming that the end of the road IS jails, institutions and God forbid, but oh so true… death. It’s confession, inconvenience, putting up with people you don’t really like, hours of conversation, gas money, an expensive caffeine addiction… all the things that create the community that will hold you, sustain you, love you and root for you for all your days – just stay.
It’s the grief and lament of the lost light of all those who didn’t make it. Recognizing their wonderfulness in their absence. It’s tears and hearts torn open and messy hope and deepest longing for something free, fruitful and the potential discovery of the treasure of endless, filling fullness. Underneath it all is GOD. GOD as universal, all encompassing, welcoming all who seek to find, open arms, a firm hand to guide… not as accessible as a pill, free weights, therapy, religion or the right relationship (though these all serve to help us). May you find God NOW!
The real Thing which gives addicts true life is aloof, strange, sometimes confusing and yet exists in the center of our very being. When we experience God, we know God as right, true and saving. To know God is a journey into the withins of the self – clearing a path of overgrowth to discover the light at the center – you are the sun and the moon of completeness and wholeness.
May you courageously pursue that return and remember who you are in your most pure essence of marvelous beauty, deepest meaning, inherent value and precious person. May I meet you along the way as I travel my own journey. Perhaps we can share the road of Happy Destiny? I would like that… so don’t give up. Just keep going. Please pick up your heavy baggage and take another step on the path. Reach for my hand. Don’t let go.